If you had been in my home earlier today, you might have assumed that we are very passionate about fermented foods, since the chicken scraps were overdue to be taken out. You might have thought we were the victims of a home invasion, since the place looks ransacked. Or you may have guessed the truth. Three tiny humans and two overwhelmed adults exist in one space that refuses to magically get clean overnight. My self worth took a pretty serious hit when I walked out the bedroom. The sorry state of things overwhelmed me. “I’m such a terrible wife/mom/person to let things get so bad.” But does a messy house mean I’m a failure?
This is the room of my oldest two kids.
Am I proud of the level of chaos? No. (Well, maybe a little. At what point does destruction become an art form?) Am I ashamed of this apparent lack of discipline and basic homemaking ability? No. I can refuse to choose between only two outcomes – pride or shame – and accept the situation for what it truly represents.
I’ve opted to spend my time and efforts elsewhere for a while. (Ok, a long while). Getting in a good place mentally has taken priority over household tasks.
I need to give this room some attention. I still have responsibilities to my family, and they include taking the lead on housework since I am at home the most.
The condition of this room, and/or the rest of my house, does not define my worth as a person, because I am more than a housekeeper.
It’s easy to believe that the state of our homes, or families, or jobs, etc, alone are proof of our worth. However, the value of a complex whole cannot be derived from the evaluation of a single part. We tend to think that our efforts in any one aspect of our lives result in either a total success or a complete failure. We forget to consider the fact that sometimes we are just holding our ground in that area, and holding space for something else to develop.
Complicating the matter of determining our true worth are the falsehoods about being “real” and being “perfect.”
The most dangerous lies are based in truth. While it is true that nobody has a perfect life, it’s also easy to accept less than our best with the excuse of our totally human limitations. Eventually there comes a point where we might actually be proud of our sub-par efforts in the name of being “real” – even when we truly want to do better.
We also often fall for the trap that having a less than “perfect” home, career, marriage, etc means that we are failing (and that everyone else we know is not). This idea of perceived perfection of others can lead us to feel ashamed of even our best efforts, even when we know we gave our all.
I don’t have to tout my domestic shortcomings as proof of being real. I don’t have to berate myself for them as evidence that I am not perfect. It is a false dichotomy to believe that those are my only choices. My worth is not tied to this house. As Ardeth Kapp said, “We must remember that we did not come to this Earth to gain our worth – we brought it with us.
I did choose to do some damage control. The chickens are happy, and most of the floors are clear. Then I chose to stop cleaning and write about the thoughts that came to me. I’m holding space for my own passions. (Writing – made possible by disposing of the food that was becoming self-aware)
I loved your blog about self worth. Too bad society judges us according to how our houses are run.